AN EPIPHANY OF A FAILED GUITARIST

           
            When I saw the movie Rockstar I was mesmerized by the theme of the story. It stressed on the point that artists, that is rockstars, writers, painters those have become great in life and left their mark on humans race, yes humans as a whole, have all suffered great sadness, depression or heart break in their life. I was very moved by this. At that time when the movie was released I was into the whole guitar scene. Yes i know now that I want thinking straight. Playing guitar was never my cup of tea. I could never become too good at it; or to be frank any good at it. Still, 
when I saw the movie, a thought gripped my mind. The thought that great pain and sorrow also brings with it the unquenchable passion of doing something great. The flame within oneself that cannot be extinguished even by the Gods. This very concept made me a romantic at that time. Made me think of various kinds of possibilities. What if like the main character in the movie, if i suffered from a heart break or if a girl tore my heart out and ripped it to pieces... Will there be the undying flame within me to succeed? Will I be able to compose those songs on my guitar that will leave forever a small impression on the world.. On the people near and close to me? Will anybody remember G?

          Well believe me... Never ask for things those which you don't really want for Fate is cruel. It has always a way of furnishing you with those very things.. Yes it is cruel. For it gave me what I wanted. It gave me a girl; a girl I was destined never to get. Only to look at her from distance. The distance. Ohh the distance. Her hair, her eyes, her skin, her laugh ... All from a distance. Trying to run away from her was the simplest and the most logical thing that I could think of. But you can't  run away from yourself, can you? Oh Fate.. She was my classmate.

             The pain never ceases you see. Seeing her every day in the class and the feeling of knowing that she will always will be just out of my reach is and will possibly be the most tiring and painful feeling in my life. I don't know if there is more love in my life, but the feeling that I can never get her is killing me.  Oh the distance...

Move on man.. That's what my friend always say to me... Yeah it’s a great suggestion butIi never reply back.. Just a smile. Because I can never let them see the side of me that constantly screams. Screams that if I could I would have moved on. I just can't. I am stuck. The anger; the pure raw rage that I felt when I see her picture with another boy or the disappointment which felt when I saw her with another guy is beyond words. My heart is being torn.. Slowly for the last 3 years.. And believe me, you would not want to be in my position. You would not. A part of me screams for oblivion every day... For release from the cage I have created myself. I know once I had asked for it but as the Jordan, the lead character in the movie comes to realize.. The pain becomes too great.. Too much to bear. One moment you forget everything. You are busy with you work. Work yourself to exhaustion.. And the cruel fate. The minute you relax.. Baam… there she is right in front of you... Never leaving... Eternal.

         So how do I get over this.. The answer is simple and clear to me as a day. I will never. I will never achieve absolution... for she is my moksha. I will never be truly free.. Ever.. Yeah.. I have heard  “Time is the best healer”.. And I know the reader here may suggest the same.. And I assure you that I am very hopeful that time indeed will wash her away. Her memories from my soul… Will erase any trace of her my mind… I am more hopeful that you .. you see it is my last hope… Time… I am desperate. Anything to reduce the pain. Anything.. Even the abstract concept of time will do...

          I didn't become a great guitarist. I didn't write songs those bend the sensex. No I didn't become Jordan.. But i have felt his pain. I know the pain... May be I didn't become a guitarist but at least I can say that i have become a writer... And here is G writing from heart... The torn heart...

I couldn't take my eyes off her, Like a desert wanderer afraid of mirages, I gazed at my oasis, but she was real... - Laura Whitcomb