Arre De Na...

Picture Credits Nikki Rixon

    She put her hand over my head and ruffled my hair lovingly. Frankly speaking I don't know whether it was a guy or a girl. I was too afraid you see. I seized up the when I saw her coming into my compartment. She was a kinnar you see.

     She approached my compartment at around 11 pm on the night I and my friends were returning from our trip to Munnar. It was the Trivandrum-Shalimar express. After a long time I was traveling in Sleeper class that day. After leaving my college I had always travelled in 3 tier AC or in flight. So that day when she suddenly walked into my compartment, that old deep rooted fear of kinnar crept back into my heart.

     I started fumbling with my belongings trying hard to find my wallet. I wanted it to go away as soon as possible from my compartment. Then my friend suggested not giving any money. They will go away if you don't give any money she said. She seemed pretty confident. I folded my legs up on the seat and sat there waiting for the kinnar to prosecute me.

     She came to my seat. Like I had seen in the movies, she came and clapped her had in from to me and said "De Na"("Give Given me some money..."). I was terrified. All the cautions that my mother had said to me came to my mind. Don’t make eye-contact with them. Don’t listen to them. Don't open your wallet in front of them or they will snatch all your money. All these words of cautions came to my head. But all I could hear was her "Arre De na re" as she repeated it again. I sat frozen in my place.

     She moved on from my seat to the next person repeating her demands. "De na..."... " Arre de na re". I somehow found courage and peeped outside my seat at her. I only saw her back. She had long hair which extended till her waist. She wore a cheap but beautiful silk bordered sari with bright red bangles. She was curvaceous and she showed it to everybody with her dress. She moved from one guy to another and then the next. Everybody ignored her like I did. No one gave her a single rupee. At the very end of the compartment she stood there at the door. I couldn't see her face. Maybe she was sad. I tried to see her face in the reflection of the compartment door. I couldn't see her face clearly. She looked up… She saw me.

     She turned back immediately. I may be had a microsecond of eye contact with her. I could not see her face though. I immediately put my head down and broke off the eye contact. I heard her high heels clicking against the compartment floor as she walked down the compartment back to my seat. She stood before my seat. For nearly ten seconds she did not say anything. I was counting the seconds. Yes ... I was. All the time I had my head down looking at the feet and the fake sandals she wore. All the time she looked down upon me. I did not have the guts to look at her.

     After what seemed like an eternity she finally said "Arre De na". But this time her voice wasn't her usual haughty voice in which she had demanded money. This time her voice shook a bit and the demand came out made as a plead... more as a begging. Going against every instinct within me, I went for my wallet. My mother's warnings still resounded in my ears. My friend again said not to give money. But this time I did not pay heed to her. I took out my wallet. It took quite some time as my hands were trembling slightly. She stood there... Waiting. I opened my wallet. I half expected her to snatch my wallet and take all the money. But she didn't. She simply stood there as I struggled with my wallet to find the ten rupees note which I had.

     I found it. It was crumpled but could still pass as money. I gave her the crumpled ten rupees note. I still did not look at her. My hands were shaking a bit when I extended it to give her the money. I wanted her to take it from me as soon as possible. After what seemed like forever to me, she took the money. I saw her hand as she held the money and pushed it in her blouse. I felt ashamed. I looked down again... Afraid...

     And then she put her hand over my head and ruffled my hair. I stopped in my tracks realizing just what happened. I still can't accurately describe my feeling or the feeling with which she did what she did. It felt like my mother putting her hand over my head and blessing me when I had left my native place for my job. At the same time the ruffling of my hair reminded me the way "my girl" had put her hands lovingly through my hair on that winter evening I had put my head on her lap the last time ever. I wasn't sure what I was thinking straight, but suddenly I felt a bit of relief.

     She was leaving. I had not realized that. I got up from my seat and looked at her again from behind. She paused at the door. I tried again to look at her face through the glass on the compartment door. I could not make out her face. Only our eyes met through the glass reflection for a second. Then she opened the door and slid off to the adjoining compartment. As I sat down on my compartment seat I felt a deep sense of loss. I couldn't see her face... I couldn't see her face. All I could now hear was her calls from the next compartment... "Arre De na..."